Sometimes, I just feel....

I know I shouldnt feel this way, but I just do.

Lonely that is.

Well, not lonely as in no friends kind of lonely, because I have more than enough lovely people from everywhere to keep me company.

But everyone is so busy falling in love, and everywhere I turn there is bound to be some couple acting lovey dovey. *disclaimer: if it sounds like you, please dont take it personally, im just saying as a whole LOL. Even if some girls arent in any relationships, there are tons of guys wanting to chase after them. Yeah so many of my friends are like that. Im really genuinely happy for them, after all, such nice people deserve all the love they can get. Then, at the back of my head, a little voice will pipe up: Hey, what about me?

 I have thought up of all possibilities that I cant find anyone to love yet, and one of them points to my less-than-ideal figure. Yeah, being skinny does equal to being beautiful. I have never thought of myself as obese (because im not, im just chubby), but compared to those getting into relationships so easily? Yeah im a rhino. And for some reason, no matter how much I assure myself that it will be okay, my heart will still kind of break while feeling abandoned. Oh, and the fact that my mum emphasises how fat I am everyday (just because she only weighs a few hundred grams heavier than me) doesnt make me feel any better.

Maybe it is coz of my personality. I tend to just shut up when I have nothing else to talk about, and maybe people will think im boring. And this happens so many times even among my best of friends (who of course are very understanding and still choose to stay friends) that I feel so frustrated at myself. Also, whenever I open my mouth, I have to make sure that whatever comes out is either cool or funny. And sometimes, I just completely flop. Which is embarrassing.

Whenever some girls go: Oh, they like me? But only them? Why cant some other guy fall for me? And ill be like, fuck you, ungrateful little bitch. You have no idea how hard it is for nobody in the past sixteen years of my life to like you.

Which is also why I turned to fashion. Maybe its a form of liberation? For people to admire what I put on myself? It's almost like a mask. If I had someone who would stand by me and love me for who I am, what I look like and my flaws, I probably wouldnt even have started my relationship with clothes.

Nowadays, Im in a huge struggle against my weight, and im trying to curb it by eating less and walking more. But the more I restrict myself, the more I eat -.- ARGH. Someone save me.


Ok,emo post over. Time to research more on Stravinsky and Rimsky Korsakov.... Im so screwed for terms coz I just wasted my June hols away doing literally nothing. Bye gals and boys, will be up with (hopefully) an outing post with the three most important gals (family and God excluded) in my life. Harry Potter exhibition ftw!!

UPDATE: Aw, just received a caring text from an awesome friend. Im elated to see that my friends are actually really concerned about me, which gives me all the more reason not to groan and whine about how I dont have a boyfriend, becuase honestly, who needs one when you have such good people around you? Appreciate your friends, they dont come easy.