Deepest, Darkest, Dirtiest Secrets.

I think it is about time that I settled this, it has been almost five years.... What has been causing so much pain and insecurity even till today.

Secondary school life was hard. Very hard. To the point where I almost wanted to quit because life just sucked that much. There are so many instances where people blatantly bitch about me in my face, and even though looking as if I didnt care was very easy, trying to get over it was a whole other story. Some of these situations have remained with me until today, because that is how deep those wounds that they have caused are.


One of them, I can clearly remember, was when I was in sec 2. Well, many of these instances happened in sec 2. Lol. The class was watching this mini clip about the Disney version of Little Mermaid, and all of a sudden one boy said 'Oh my God! I saw Theodora!' (Oh, and I remember who it was, just dun wanna mention any names. I'm so nice, I know.) Then all the guys laughed. As we watched on, Ariel showed on the screen, and all the guys were like 'no this is definitely not her'. I was dreading to see what character I was in their minds. Then, Ursula came on to the screen. 'YEAH THIS IS HER HAHAHAHA' all the boys went hysterical, and a few girls also laughed and screamed along.
In my opinion, they really do not have any consideration for other people's feelings. The teasing didnt stop there. They continued all the way until the end of the class, and the teacher had enough. I thought I could hold my tears back, but when she started scolding the guys, I started sobbing uncontrollably. How embarrassing right? But it was unavoidable. Imagine, people making you see yourself as a fugly fat evil bitch.
Now, I have enough sense to see that they are even uglier than me.

Oh, and times in band. The WORST. Well, it was partly my fault, because I didnt have any tact with my words then, and I just blatantly said whatever was on my mind: The music just sounded horrible. Needless to say, I got lashed out at. My blog started to fill with comments from my seniors and their FRIENDS, as well as all my other classmates, (all under anonymous names, cowards) calling me all sorts of names, saying that they were stating FACTS, not opinions. I never cried, and did my best to defend myself.
I tried posting things like 'i know i am fat, i know i am ugly' and all that shit in order for the bullying to stop, but instead, the bullying escalated. Needless to say, i was in despair. Some of my friends tried to help me, but the flood never slowed down until the end of the year.
I prayed to God everyday that this would stop, but he didnt answer my prayers. So i thought God didnt love me. But, I always believed that things would get better, so I pressed on, and kept on praying.

4 years of being treated like a piece of shit in band was tough alright. Seniors despised me, peers hated me, juniors looked down upon me. But still I never gave up and gave the best that i could. Music lesson every friday was pure joy because it meant that I could escape that hellhole for just a little while.

Oh, and another minor incident that I just cannot get out of my head, because I was so happy when I finally got my revenge, is that time during Chinese class, and Yue Ning and I were sitting in front of these two ugly bitches (yes, I'm bitter) then they loudly commented: 'Why are we sitting behind these two people? Oh it's because they are too CHIO (beautiful) already. hehehe' I could almost see the sarcasm dripping out of their mouths. At that point, I resolved to make them EAT their words like nobody's business, and my chance came during prom night.

I came dressed in the most dramatic prom dress ever, and had my makeup done by a pro. When one of the two bitches saw me (the bitchier one), she couldn't think of anything to say, much less give me that stupid condescending look of hers every time she sees me. She was in reluctant awe of what I could look like, and also because she looked so bad (oops). I was skipping around in victory in my head, and could not help giving a slight smug before turning away when she was still staring. I swear, her expression is ingrained in my mind, and whenever I needed motivation, I would just turn to that memory for comfort.

 Oh, there were 4 friends that I could rely on during these hard times, and they made my life a whole lot easier. But the thing is, they have never once stood up for me against the bullies. This made me quite bitter, but I understand that it is not in their personality to stand up for me, and also, no matter how hated I was, they still stood by me no matter what. That's why people, treasure your friends.
 

Now, I am living an incredibly happy life in ACJC, in an amazing CCA, and have met so many awesome people who are always by my side when I need them. Many of my peers are surprised to see how well I'm doing. When I do some stalking, it always delights me to see those who have been awful to me get their rightful retribution. God had really answered my prayers when I asked for friends, because I got them.

Now, I occasionally bump into some of those bullies, and they greet me rather warmly. Only AFTER I had more friends in AC of course. I reciprocate, but in my head, I can't help but think, you two-faced mofo, you wanna be FRIENDS now? After what you had done to me? Seriously?! -.-


Anyway, I just wanted to show those who are in the same situation that I was in, or any other people who are having a hard time coping with their social life, that life DOES get better. You just have to hang in there and BELIEVE that it will get better. Honestly, I cant ask for anything more now, because life is so great. Be understanding toward others, never treat others like dirt, and even if you don't like a person, don't show it, spare them the pain. It is not being hypocritical, it is just being tactful. Now, I am trying my best to live by these principles, even if I don't really appreciate certain people.

Believe that you are beautiful, and you will be :)




Kudos.

Sorry and Thank You, Dear Friend. (updated)

Sorry for not understanding the way you want me to.

Sorry that things turned out this way.

Sorry for not being truly happy for you.

Sorry for making you sad.


Thank you for being kind.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Thank you so much for making me feel important.

Thank you for just being there.


I hope that things are going well for you.

I hope that you continue being a significant figure in other people's lives, just like you were in mine.

I hope that when we bump into each other, we could still smile.

I hope you're happy, my friend.

 'No more excuses and pushing the blame,

I am tired of playing this sickening game.

If what you do is pleasing you,

Then I guess I have to say adieu.'

The irony, the misunderstanding, the pain. Fuck this shit.

He was a Boy, She was a Girl.

 *Disclaimer: This is a rather tragic love story. No, the girl is not me, and the boy is not my lover.


Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl. So much, he would have done anything for her. But she took no notice, blissfully unaware of his love. He would have done anything to make her his, even if it meant hurting her. And so began his deception, making her fall into a world of romance and fantasy, and made her fall so deep, she could not turn back, and thus a strange relationship began.

Then one day, he decided that he was sick of playing games, and revealed the sick truth to her, thinking he could love her as himself. How would a girl feel if what she believed in wasn't real, and all of it was just one big fat lie? Devastated. Betrayed. Broken. She could never have loved anyone as much ever again..... and all she had left were those sweet, tainted memories of her virtual prince charming.

The boy didn't give up on them though, he loved her so. He tried his best to mend the relationship between them and treated her like a princess. But she thought that she could never trust him again, and pushed him away to avoid getting hurt. Numerous other guys chased after her, but she found herself pulled towards the very same guy, unable to break free of those chains. Little did she know, she loved him so.

The boy was crushed, but he knew he did wrong, and then he let her be, thinking that if it were meant to be, she would come back to him.

Days turned into months, and months turned into years. Each of them lived their own lives as if nothing happened. Occasionally, they would talk to each other, those precious moments each of them held dear, perhaps through the phone, or behind the computer. But, just what relationship could they derive by communicating this way? Still, they believed.

Perhaps the boy wanted to find an outlet for his unrequited love and frustrations, or just for a breath of fresh air, but twice he left her for other girls, and made it clearly known. She was shocked and hurt, but it never showed, and no one knew. The feeling of getting betrayed was already carved on to her soul, not once, but thrice. She sighed, not knowing what was going through his mind, and put up that same sad smile once again to face him.

At the end of four years, they decided to stop running away from their feelings and decided to be together, but alas, things were just not meant to be.

She wanted to make him pay for what he did to her, and decided to play a little game with him, leaving the boy utterly confused and hurt. Each time he tried to get closer, she pushed him away, but when he was about to leave, she pulled him right back. At this point of time, the boy had new-found fame and popularity, much unlike the times previously when the only reason for him to live was to love her.

His way of thinking was changed everyday, ever so slightly, but clearly, and she did not realise that fast enough. She thought that he would wait for her, just like she did for him. He wanted to meet her and talk, but she just could not find the courage to meet him face to face. That was her biggest mistake. The boy started to realise that nothing good would ever come out of their relationship if they could not physically be together.

Another girl found her way into the boy's heart, and sick of playing games with the girl, he let her in. A little while later, he dropped the bomb, saying that he could no longer love the girl, as he had someone else in his heart. Needless to say, the girl was stunned. She thought that he would be there forever. Who knew that things would turn out like this? Broken once again, there was too many little pieces of her shattered heart to mend itself without the help of another. She felt strangely numb to the hurt he has caused her, as it had happened one too many times. But she couldn't help breaking down, as she thought of this little quote:

In this case, the boy and girl is inverted. :/

Their story still goes on, but for now it ends here. 

If they had admitted their feelings sooner, things would not have turned out this way. If they weren't so motherfucking STUBBORN, things would not have turned out this way.

This is something that all people should learn. STOP playing games with each other, STOP doing things to hurt each other, and STOP using a third party to help reconcile the two of you, because it will never work out. 

I had enough of being the messenger, the love guru, the solace-giver, and whatever. All I want for the both of you is to be happy. WHY? Why is that never ever possible? Why won't you guys listen? I wanted to be that friend, to be the one that irritating one who disturbs your dates together, to be the one screaming and crying with happiness at your wedding.

No, it is not because you guys weren't meant to be together. It is just because you guys don't give way at all, you with your 'ideals' and 'personality', and you with your shyness. ARGH. It frustrates me to the core when I have seen the two of you being so goddamn happy together and yet things turn out this way because of awful timing and perhaps just plain stupidity. 

Everyone knows relationships need work. Ask anyone in a BGR. Why give up now and leave one of you miserable? I don't know. I just wish to see the both of you smiling with sincere happiness at the end of the road, together or not. 

Peace out.

Why I love Justin Bieber.

Pretty controversial title I have for this blog post huh?

Well, I do love Justin, the post-puberty one of course. Unfortunately I still cannot stand the pre-voicebreaking Justin. Sorry :/

ANYWAY, the reasons why I like Biebs does not have anything to do with his music, (I do like his Boyfriend track though, it is really catchy.), but because of his stunning character.

Throughout his career, he has received a TON of hate, and I admittedly was one of the haters (regretting it thoroughly). Can you imagine being 14 years old and being hated upon so much by practically the whole world? Can you handle it? Well, Justin did, with much poise and grace, never giving his haters the satisfaction of going into depression or something. And I thought that I was amazing for standing up against those puny insignificant people who cyber-bullied me when I was secondary 2.

Of course, as much as he received hate, he received a whole lotta love too (pun intended), from the craziest, sometimes to the point of scary, group of fangirls that are comparable to Kpop fanbases (believe me, i have been there and done that). Most of his fans are really sweet and all, giving Justin the well-needed support. However, others are just WAY too obsessed and practically claim him as a 'God' *coughamandabiebercough*. Even with so much popularity, he never lets this go into his head and screw his mind up.
Hrithik Roshan (a fucking hot bollywood actor that I am gonna elaborate upon later) said in an interview that fans will start building temples around their idols, and some of these famous people will really start to think that they are God, and become haughty. Sooner or later, their careers will crash and burn.
Now, as someone who has only lived and seen the world for a mere 18 years (or even lesser), many would expect Justin to do just that. BUT NO, he never lets fame take over him, and always stays grounded, and now, he is out with a second album with more fans that ever. What an amazing fella.

Justin is also a guy with a really big heart, donating to charity and other foundations. You might say, 'Yeah, coz he is filthy rich!' Well, I don't see every single singer do as much philanthropy work (is that the right expression?) as he does. This is the quality that I always look for in celebrities, whether they give back to the community as they should be. He also makes time to give surprises to his fans (which is always super sweet, I tear up when I watch the videos) even when (I'm sure) he is too busy too. Humble and sweet, just the way I like a guy.

Oh and lastly, he is so nice to Selena Gomez. Yeah as we all know he and Selena are dating, and I don't think any teenage hollywood couple can get any better than this. Justin is so understanding of Selena and she of him, it is a match made in heaven. You can just see how much Justin adores Selena judging by the many kisses he rains upon her on public tv, and he is not afraid to show this, which is the most important part. Selena ever said that Justin was really different compared to Nick Jonas because Justin is not as anal (so to speak) about having personal space, and he gave all of himself to her. I wish I had that kind of boyfriend!!

So see, Justin ain't as faggy as you thought he was, he is a genuine, sweet and humble guy whom i personally want to make a lifelong friend (although highly impossible haha). Biebs, you have earned my respect and like! ^.^

The future is so clear / Do it Now, Remember it Later

So, a friend of mine has recently roped me in for a styling session for his friend. Can't say that I am not excited about it, coz it is always an amazing experience to be able to help others do makeovers (or in this case just a mild styling to transform a pretty girl into someone even more gorgeous).

You know how it is when someone who keeps thinking they are ugly (due to their own thoughts or the deep convincing of other fucking horrid people), undergoes an amazing transformation just at your command, and all of a sudden everyone else just shuts up due to how beautiful she looks?

Yeah. Memories of prom night. >:) Still cannot erase the people's FACES of awe. Even the fucking bitch who has tormented me for four years couldnt utter a word. Suck on that.

Only if you see it in both yourself and others.

 

 Those around me know that I am obsessed with becoming a prominent figure in fashion. Either as a designer or stylist or creative director, ANYTHING. I even have a clear vision about what I want to create or do for people.

 

What you see.......

 

What I will do......

Shows like Jay Manuel's Style Her Famous and Jeannie Mai's How Do I Look (did i spell her name right? probably not) are huge inspirations. What do you guys think?

Moving on to the next part, was inspired by Hwai Mun to do a mini bucket list (sorry Mun I know you dont like people copying you but I thought it was such a great idea). I don't know what is that important to me that I have to do before I die, but I will just list a few things that come to my mind....


1. Get Married and Have Kids. This is something that I MUST do no matter what. If not, life wouldn't be complete.What it is like to be loved. (and some other kinky things i wouldnt mention here HAHA)

2. Style a guy. Or at least someone who trusts me enough to do it. It has always been girls girls girls and I am getting really adept at it. My mindset is that to be a true expert, you have to be good at fashion of both genders, so styling a guy would be eye-opening.

3. Attend my friends' weddings. Can you imagine the friends you have been with for 10, 20 years getting married all of a sudden? I will CRY, WEEP, become HYSTERICAL lol nah im just exaggerating but yeah, it will be such an emotional day for me.

4. See a legit rock band live. Like those 70s or 80s rock bands, or even modern day rock, it'll be amazing!! What I love most about rock is that it is so FREE, never confined to anything they dont wanna be confined in. No, rock is not a genre, it's not a form of fashion, it is an attitude, a lifestyle. Something that I am living by.

5. Own a shop of my own. A blogshop or a store. It'll be my precious baby, with Yee Hwa of course. And it'll be booming with business (or so I hope).



That's it for now, hoping to publish a post about the styling date that I have with my friend soon! :)